my comfort zone

I have a pair of jeans. This pair of jeans is nothing special. Actually, if my mom ever got a hold of them she would cut them to pieces and then burn those pieces. These jeans have been with me for several years now. They used to be my favorite pair. There wasn't a week I went without wearing them. In fact, if I could have gotten away with it, Iwould have worn them everyday! They fit me well. Or, they did. Sadly, since losing all my weight, they no longer fit. But I kept them anyway. The last time of so I went to go buy new jeans, I found that the store where I bought them still has the same design. So I bought a new pair. The new pair is 3 European sizes smaller (equals to six American sizes), than the old pair. The old pair is literally falling apart at the seams. There are holes in them everywhere, one of the belt loops is connected with a safety pin, and the hem at the bottom of each leg is so torn the get stuck on my shoes.

They are absolutely horrible. Yet, I continue to wear them. Why you ask? They don't fit. And to be honost, I can't even walk without them falling down. I have to hold them to walk up the stairs. I have to hold them to walk down the street.

They, you see, are my comfort blanket. They have been out grown, and have become more of a hassle than a statement. I used to wear them as a statement. I was trying to say "yea at times, i can be a little edgy. They were my punk rock pants. Now, they are just a reminder of what used to be. Like a child with a security blanket, I can't bare to get rid of them. They remind me of the past, oh what I was, and what I never hope to be again.

Now the delima stands. Do I dare throw them away? Do I keep them to remain a reminder, yet allow them to continue to take up space?

Help me. I need it. I need to be a big girl and just let go of the past. But, like the child in all of us, it hurts to let go of what has been so good to me.

<3 katie jo

ps....dave...call soon. miss you (sad face)

a substantial set back

I have been in communications with all the schools I have been trying to get into in order to get my master's degree. It looks as though I won't be able to do the 3 pre-req classes before the deadline for applications to Loyola. not unless I can come up with $3750.00. That's what it would cost.
Usually, I wouldn't see this as a terrible thing. I'll just apply for Financial Aid, right? Nope. Not this time Kalen. You aren't actually considered a real student. The term Northwestern gives is called "student-at-large." This, however, doesn't qualify for finacial aid. Technically, i'm not actually progressing towards an actual degree. No loans, no grants, no nothing.

So, it looks as though I will have to find something else to do. Guess it just wasn't in the cards for me.

Kinda sucks. This is a big blow. Any idea's (that don't have jail time as a reprecussion?)

sad face.
~k

the singing me!

in an effort to get to know the city a little more and to get to know a couple of people to hang out with...i have recently decided to try and get into a master's program at one of the universities here. there are several which have the degree i would like (educational counseling). however, the school that i am looking at (loyola) requires that i have a couple of classes before being admitted. so i need to take the classes before applying. so i am trying to get into another school (northwestern) in order to take the three classes. haha ....tons of things to do and not alot of time. the deadline to get into northwestern for the winter trimester is november 1. by then, i have to have like a million things to do.

am i crazy for trying to get a degree completely different than what i am currently doing. yes. do i think that i will love my job more. absolutely. i cant wait for the day when i get to walk into a high school and know that one day, im going to have that one child that comes and tells me that i was the one that helped mold them into who they are. i cant wait.

hopefully besides getting a great education from another great insitution, i will get to know a couple of cool people to hang out with and i will be less inclinded to leave the unknown and go back to a more familiar set of surroundings.

ps....if you havent seen the show "singing bee" it is so funny. if only someone could hear the words i sing when i don't know the real words to the song!

remember this dave

davey....do you actually remember when i bought the fefe dobson cd ....we were at the best buy in dover....and paige and i made you listen to that one song over and over ....and over again!!! this can be our song!!!!

take me away!!!

again. and again ....that is awesome...me and you and paige should drive around again and listen to that song like a million times over!!

wondering

what an interesting conversation i had.....did we really talk about what we talked about?? and if so ...why are we waiting??? where do we go from here??

and i love the song <3
mine to you ---> everything by fefe dobson

katie jo

with or without. <3

i had a pretty rough weekend. it involved a monday spent completely alone and a night in my bed fighting back tears. its not that i am sad. its just that i am completely alone up here. im out of my element. its weird. i have never been the one unable to make friends. i could talk to just about anyone and walk away with a friend. im not full of myself. im just friendly. but something happened with the move. i lost my mojo. i dont know. more than anything, i miss my best friends. i get to talk to becky regularly. or semi-regularly. but its hard. and i miss davy. alot. alot alot alot. dont ask me why. we talk all the time. but i havent talked to him in like forever. atleast 3 days. i know that doesnt seem like alot but when i was in texas, i was able to call him whenever and atleast leave a message. i cant do that now. we can sit on the phone and not say a word and i still have a smile on my face. he is my friend. my best friend. he completes me.

davy. call soon. i miss you. <3>

Ten Months

BEFORE: (September 2006)

In an effort to figure out just how much I have changed, I decided to post a "then and now" picture. This is to try and see if I can tell a difference in myself from now and my last semester in school. It's been a rough year. I graduated college, lost my way, got stuck in a dead-end, found my way out, lost all hope, found new friends and moved half way accross the country. Sound fun??? Here are the picks, can you tell what a year it has been??

AFTER (August 2007)

i do what i can.....

So, in an effort to be more grown up, I took a page out of Dave's book and decided to try my hand at cooking. No, cookies was not on the menu. I tried a little harder and went for an entre!! I know, im a rebel!! haha... After a lengthy conversation with the momo (mom), I took my directions and went to work on recreating a specialty of hers: CHICKEN SPAGHETTI!!! mmmm I worked a little slow and probably made it harder than it should have been, but I do believe that it turned out well.

I took pictures, and I think they turned out quite well!! So, here are the pictures. Let, me know what you think!!!

today came and went....not necessarily a bad day...but it wasn't a god day either...some days my mind gets the best of me and changes my whole perspective on the day. but thats a different story for a different day.

on a lighter note, as i was riding the train back to the apt, i heard two students talking. a logics question came up....which i have yet to figure out...maybe you will have better luck....
here it goes:

three people go to a hotel and each pay ten dollars for the room ($30 a night)
they go up to the room and find a coupon for $5 dollars off. they all go back down to redeem the coupon. each guy gets $1 back. so now it is like each one only paid $9 a piece. there are $2 left from the discount.

so ...what happened to the other dollar??

3 people * $9= $27
$27+$2(left over from the $5 off)= $29

where is the last $1???

let me know what you figure out!!

with love.
<3 katie jo

from the beginning

I have been in this crazy crazy city for almost two months. Let me tell you, I might have jumped on the whole” I want to move to a big city” idea little too quickly. It has been crazy as I said before. Crazy and exhilarating, and scary and fun all wrapped into one. With everything I have been dealing with, I have had to tack on moving into my very own apartment and trying to furnish it and making it feel as close to home as possible. I have also had to teach myself how to do things all by my lonesome instead of being able to just pick up the phone and call someone to hang out with. On top of that, I have had to learn how to cook. It is safe to say however, that my first time didn’t go as badly as Dave’s did…(Love you Davey)

I still have to muster the courage to venture out by myself to the unknown, but that is getting better with time. Actually, as I sat and wrote all this, I had just arrived in downtown Chicago for a conference on a street that I had never been on before. I got lost. The train ride was a new experience as well. It’s a good thing I am ok with being in small spaces because as I made my way top the conference center, I stood no farther than 3 inches from a complete stranger. FACE TO FACE. He was all up in my personal bubble. I don’t let anyone stand that close…but again…what choice did I have??? It is definitely not something I could endure on a regular basis though.

For those of you who have been keeping track, to date, I have lost 45 pounds. Crazy I know, but I only have a little more to go. It has been a struggle to not worry people any more than they already are and still try to lose my last couple of pounds. My disorder, it seems, has taken its toll on me. But, I promise it’s not as bas as it could be, or even as bad as it has been in the past. And, I am only open about this so you guys will support me. I don’t need lectures, they don’t do anything. Just prayers. Pray that I can finally begin to live in this enormous city as opposed to how I felt in WF and I will continue to lose weight (only 5 more to go!!!).

With Labor Day coming up, I have a three-day weekend to try and learn a little more about Chi-town. I’m going try and do a little more exploring, but who knows how far I will get. I’m doing it alone and we all know how I feel about that. Anyone want to come keep me company???

I know this has been a long time coming and this is a very long post, but I will try to get better about updating those who care. Pray for me, but please do not worry. I haven’t died yet, and if that does occur, I’ll let you know.

Before I go, I want to give a quick shout out to Davey (I love you always and forever!!!), Daniel (I still have the flashlight/spotlight for whenever we need to travel down the dark path…lets just make sure we each have a buddy), and Andie (I just flipped through the new J Crew catalog and totally thought of you as I picked out everything I wanted, including a pair of practical shoes, and a pair that was just too pretty to not want!!)

with love <3>